Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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