awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
