Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
