I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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