she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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