Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
