I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
