I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
