you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
