No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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