Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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