I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize