he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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