ADVERTISEMENT

• (847): View more from Illinois

  This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason

  Fav 24 1139 1228

  share tweet
  

• (281): View more from Texas

  Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

  Fav 43 6817 1378

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (513): View more from Ohio

  Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.

  Fav 20 1014 3766

  share tweet
  

• (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

  Fav 30 13126 1907

  share tweet
  

• (973): View more from New Jersey

  Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

  Fav 17 3754 2205

  share tweet
  

• (513): View more from Ohio

  hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

  Fav 4 5867 1266

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (630): View more from Illinois

  Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.

  Fav 33 4533 1740

  share tweet
  

• (304): View more from West Virginia

  Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??

  Fav 4 1907 1419

  share tweet
  

• (515): View more from Iowa

  I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.

  Fav 7 1702 932

  share tweet
  

• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  Outside

  Fav 16 2689 798

  share tweet
  

• (520): View more from Arizona

  Are we in any of the areas with tornados?

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.

  Fav 2 1187 597

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (707): View more from California

  Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting

  Fav 0 719 486

  share tweet
  

• (585): View more from New York

  You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start

  (585): View more from New York

  Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...

  Fav 2 709 503

  share tweet
  

• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.

  Fav 1 32 44

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (719): View more from Colorado

  Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?

  Fav 0 13 45

  share tweet
  

Randomize