Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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