I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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