My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
