If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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