I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
