Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
