K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
