Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
