everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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