The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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