Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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