i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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