So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
