Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
