True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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