Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
