One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
