I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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