I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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