The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
