im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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