Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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