...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
