i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
