Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
