I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
