That's intense
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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