So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
