Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
