I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
