Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
