does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
