Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
