he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
