I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
