I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
