Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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