I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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