The maid of honor just puked.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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