so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
