I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
