i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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